Not Just a High Conflict Divorce When You Divorce a Narcissist

The Legal System Doesn’t Understand the True Nature of a High Conflict Divorce

No, not all divorces are ugly. Many people, and I’ve seen it for myself, can divorce with mutual respect, empathy, and love, with the understanding that their love for one another has changed. This will never be the case with a narcissist because the narcissist never loved you. I know that is hard to hear, but the narcissist is incapable of love because love requires empathy, which a narcissist doesn’t have. He convinces himself that he never loved you (he didn’t) or that he fell out of love because of you. Don’t listen to the narcissist’s venom. In the end, you will find true love, and you will never look back. For now, just know that most judges do not understand psychopathy, unless the narcissist is in their courtroom for criminal charges, which I’m sure you have been through at some point. It is my hope that I can use my personal experience divorcing a narcissist and my professional experience helping partners leave their Cluster B marriages to change this in the near future and educate other legal professionals, including the judges presiding over these divorces.

The Narcissist’s Mask is Fragile and Non-Existent during Divorce

Remember when you first saw the narcissist blow hot and cold/do his/her push-pull? When you could do no wrong during the idealization/love-bombing phase, all of a sudden, everything is your fault! Time and time again, the narcissist blows up out of nowhere. You see what is underneath the narcissist’s mask, and it’s not pretty. When he was packing up his bags to do a disappearing act, he spews venom, pushed you, moved you out of the way, while we as highly sensitive people (HSPs) cling to them, begging the narcissist to stay. The narc leaves and employs a silent treatment to teach you a lesson. You deny how mean he really is, and you attempt to reconcile his pathological behavior. This is who he truly is, and during divorce, he doesn’t have a reason to keep his false mask on. The covert narcissist is no longer interested in playing the part of the poor victim and martyr, and he thinks, “This B*t*h must pay.” You are no longer willing to give him your energy/supply and ego fuel.

Any Request by You Will Be Drama and Cause for Pointing Out How Inconvenienced and Irrational You Are by the NPD

You kindly ask him to please work with you to take over the car payments so that you don’t keep missing payments, since the controlling narcissist has taken it upon himself to leave you out of the loop on that information, even though you are the ONLY one paying all of the joint bills. A three sentence email quickly gets forwarded to his attorney, who responds, “Please have your client only speak through her attorney.” Bad you for being reasonable! You must be so crazy and so in love with the narcissist! So, fine, you play along, and you spend money, and then, the narcissist will have to spend even more money on attorneys just to get your name off of an account so you can pay the joint bills. Yes, welcome to divorcing a narcissist. The narcissist will use litigation as his new avenue for attempting to control you. According to the High Conflict Institute, high conflict personalities (nice name for Cluster Bs/NPDs/psychopaths) are the ones driving these high conflict divorces because they can never accept blame for anything, are notoriously selfish, and they lack empathy. Furthermore, their innate and natural ability to manipulate others and their disdain of others drives their need to litigate, even though it’s a negative sum-game

Remember, the narcissist is only about power and control. His manipulation no longer worked with you, and he quickly discarded and abandoned you because you saw the pure evil lurking underneath. Trust me, I’m going through the same thing right now. What man would sue a woman for spousal support? A narcissist! My male friends all want to know how a real man could do this. Only a narcissist would stoop this low for no reason at all, especially, after his wife almost loses her life a few months ago. Remember, Cluster B disorders are labeled the “erratic and dramatic” disorders because narcissists are impulsive and fueled by anxiety, a need to win at all costs, (me v. you behaviors) and boredom.

Narcissists Will Engage in Ongoing Battles through Litigation

He will refuse to pay child support, although he has money for his new target. She will withhold visitation, even though she was court-ordered to allow you to visit your children that day. Narcissists will use every last cent they make just to keep you engaged in their pathology. The gaslighting continues. You offer mediation, and he refuses. Then, he changes his mind, and you go to mediation, but he refuses to mediate anything. Welcome to your ongoing legal battlefield with the pathologically disordered.

A Good Attorney Will Help You Focus on the Issues While Understanding the Nature of Narcissistic Personality Disorder

You don’t need to be re-triggered and re-experience the trauma and abuse of the toxic relationship with the narcissist. A good attorney who understands the nature of narcissistic personality disorder will work with you to help you keep running lists of issues that you need to resolve without forwarding every email to you from the narcissist and his flying monkey (his attorney who believes everything he says). Your attorney should also understand your trauma symptoms and help keep the narcissist away from you and limit contact with you if you have children.

You will get through this, and you will be stronger.

If you’re ready to get a divorce, Contact Keithley Law, PLLC, PLLC today by calling (703) 454-5147and schedule an initial consultation in our Fairfax law office with one of our Virginia divorce attorneys. We can walk you through the steps to get the most out of your divorce.